TRUST: A Distant Voice
God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live. Psalm 18:2
It was years ago, and although time has softened the wounds, I can easily retrieve the emotional upheaval. Divorce is an undoing of two intertwined lives and an unraveling of self. It is an emotional earthquake that shapeshifts your inner tectonic plates, the aftershocks of which continue for months, even years. Reeling from loss of solid ground, loss of self, tired and depressed, I slow-walked my life, almost trancelike. Devoid of emotion, dark clouds hid the sunshine in my daughter’s face from me.
I lost something I could not name. I was on a runaway train, taking me to an unknown frightening world. I could not hear my own heartbeat. A distant voice I used to know tried to reach me. I strained to hear it.
You will find it again. Trust in ME.
I wanted to believe in that voice but I had no strength to go the distance, or even know where to find it. So I dismissed it. Again and again. But it’s barely audible sound came persisted.
Trust in ME.
One day, in a desperate attempt to cling to that simple message, I grabbed a permanent black marker and wrote one word on a 3×5 note card: TRUST. Bold letters, two inches tall; all caps.
Trust in what or whom? I didn’t know. Fixating on this one-syllable word, I kept my this card with me, close to my body, folded in my pocket. My TRUST-card became my talisman. When fears grabbed my throat, threatening my very breath, I would take out the card and just look at it. I began to think of the two large TTs as scaffolds holding me up.
And thus became my journey to find and reclaim that distant loving voice; a voice that became more familiar as I began to heal.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6.
I’d like to say that from that point on, I had no need for my TrusT-card. But life presents many crossroads. Which path to take? Whose voice is in your ear? My TrusT-card is indelibly imprinted on my soul. Forgive the 21st century analogy, but in the same way I click a link to track a packages, I can mentally “click” on my TrusT-card to track my life’s path. It is my weathervane, redirecting me to the one consistent voice that will never abandon me. The good shepherd will leave his flock to find the one sheep.
I was found.
Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?